christophe thinks out loud

Does Amazon Get Email Like This?

Just tonight, we received the following happy missive from a customer (original spelling, punctuation, and capitalization):

Yes, My order HAS shipped. YES it HAS arrived. BUT THE DRIVER WOULD NOT LEAVE IT WITHOUT MY SIGNATURE ! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE ? YOU KNOW I SLEEP DAYS ! I am very displeased. CONTACT UPS IMEDIATELY and tell them they can leave it tomorow. ELSE I have to drive to xxx. I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT. Thank you

Here is the reply that we didn’t send to said happy customer:

Dear Moron:

Let us explain something to you, since you obviously have the brains of a turnip. We have more customers in our database than live in the stupid little infected pimple of a town you live in. We do not keep track of which of them sleep during the day, and even if we did, we are not able to tell an employee of the the largest package delivery company in the world, “Oh, this moron sleeps during the day, so please just go ahead leave his expensive package sitting out on his porch next to the pit bull and the Wal*Mart lawn furniture, even though his meth lab-operating neighbor will steal it and then you’ll get fired. Really, it’s fine.”

The driver isn’t going to leave it. It’s not going to happen. So get off your fat lazy ass and get down to the UPS depot and sign for the package. You’re just going to have to find the time, or the package will come back to us, and we’ll rip our satisfaction return fee out of your pasty little behind. Get the picture, sunshine?

And before you give us a spittle-coated rant about not ever ordering from us again: We think it is a dandy idea if you never order from us again. We need your business like we need smallpox. Every company knows that 90% of their customer service problems come from 10% of their customers. The trick is to identify that 10% and get rid of them. Thanks for making it so easy.

Love,
The Blowfishies

Of course, we’ll say something else. Why did I ever get into retail?